Life Goes On
by DkzDiva
Summary: You feel the aching in your heart. It's almost unbearable. The pain is tearing you down. You feel it growing with every breath you take. How do you move on? Are you willing to let love in when it knocks on your door? Or will you be miserable forever?
1. Accepting Your destiny

1. Accepting Your Destiny

You ever lost someone close to you? Well so have I. Everybody always say "It was way too early for her to die" even though they are talking about a woman at 54. Maybe it was too early for her to die, and maybe she hadn't experienced everything she ever dreamed of, but if it's a girl at 7 who dies. I would say it's a bigger tragedy. Okay fine, maybe it's a tragedy no matter who dies, but if you could choose between the woman on 54 and the girl at 7 to live. Who would you choose? I know who I would.

My sister died a month ago. She just turned 7. So when you say you still feel so much pain, because of your grandmother's death years ago. Then imagine how I feel. 7 years, that was all she got. Her life barely even started. So the pain you have because of your grandmother's death is not even close to the pain I feel. The aching I feel in my heart is unbearable. My heart is broken. I'm hurt and so is everyone around me. A broken relationship can be hard, trust me I know I've been there, but you'll get over it. You replace that loved one with someone else, but you can never replace the love of a sister. I was there, with every step she took. The first time she crawled, the first time she walked, the first time she talked, the first time she rode a bike, her first day of school. Every step of her way I was there, and now I would never get the chance to see her grow up. I wouldn't be there for her anymore, because she was never going to need me again. I wouldn't ever be there to mend her broken heart. My heart was broken and no one would ever be able to put the pieces back together. The worst thing about this was it was only a matter of time before I lost another sister.

I heard footsteps coming in to my room. I knew who it was. It was my sister Sophia. She had come to see how I was doing. "You okay" she asked me softly.

I sighed. "I should be asking you this, not the other way around" I spoke.

"You're my little sister I will always be worried about you" she told me.

"But I'm not the one who's sick" I said to her.

That's right Sophia is sick, she has cancer. She has had for around 17 years by now. I know it's a long time, but they have tried to hold it down, and at some point they even thought the cancer had gone, but it always had a way of coming back.

"I know and I'm sorry about that" she sighed and sat down next to me on the bed. She knew we were all suffering from her disease.

"Don't apology, it's not your fault" I assured her.

"How's Demi?" she asked me.

"She's a bigger mess than the rest of us" I said looking her in the eyes, she sighed and nodded, giving me a look. I knew what she was thinking of, and I didn't want her to do it, but I also knew it was time; it had been going on for way too long.

That night I heard Sophia walk to Demi's room. I followed her, I know I might sound like a little girl following her big sister, but I just had to hear this. Even though I knew what she was going to say. I didn't want her to do it, but knew she had to.

"Soph?" it was Demi, she sounded surprised, but also sleepy.

"You okay?" Sophia asked her. I sat down in front of Demi's door and listened to their conversation.

"No" Demi said, I could hear she was crying.

"Come here" Sophia said and I assumed she gave her a hug. "We need to talk"

"About what?" Demi said between sobs.

"It's the end baby, it has been going on for too long"

"No" I heard Demi say with a soft voice. "I won't do it"

"It's over. Time to go, my time has come"

I heard Demi cry loudly. "No!"

"I need you to do me a favor!" Sophia told her.

"What favor?"

"You need to release me"

"No" Demi said. She didn't want to fight Sophia, but on the other hand she wouldn't give up that easy. "No, I don't care what it takes, but I'll keep you alive"

"You can't sissy and I don't want you to. It's time for you to live your life"

"I'll keep you alive. I have to. I don't want to be responsible for your death too!" I hated, when she was blaming herself for Maddie's death.

"You aren't. You need to stop blaming yourself for Maddie's death it wasn't your fault, and I'm choosing this for myself. It's time" Sophia was crying as well, I could hear it.

"No.. please don't do this to me" Demi said crying badly.

"Baby. It's okay, it has been going on for way too long. I'm okay with it"

I was crying too. I couldn't take it anymore. It hurt too much. I knew it had been hard on Sophia, and she had stayed alive for a long time, for the rest of us. It wasn't fair on her, she was in pain. I knew she was, but I just couldn't bear how she had just accepted to die. I stood up and ran to Jake's room. He would make things better I thought to myself. I knew he wouldn't be capable of, but I just needed to hear someone tell me that everything was going to be okay.

I stormed in to his room, and ran right in to his arms, resting my head on his chest crying my eyes out. Not knowing what else I to do.

"Brie what's wrong!" he asked. Thinking it had something to do with Madison, it partly had. I just couldn't bear losing another sister.

"Soph wants to die!" I screamed out.

"NO!" He was getting upset I could hear it in his voice. "She can't" he told me. "I won't let her" He let go of me and was about to walk to Sophia's room when I stopped him. "Jake we both know it has been going on for far too long, it's not fair on her. She's suffering. You hear her in the nights just as well as I do. We can't let it go on any longer" I told him and he looked in to my eyes, crying.

I walked over to him, and gave him a hug. Now it was me trying to calm him down instead of the other way around. "We can't lose her!" he said.

"No" I said knowing that we were going to eventually.

We both heard Demi's door open and she stormed out. "I won't do it Soph!" we both turned around and looked at Sophia. She looked helpless. "Let her go" I said. "She'll get better eventually"

That night I couldn't sleep. I was crying. The whole in my heart had grown. I couldn't believe the fact that Sophia had accepted to die. I just couldn't. I loved her too much. She had always been here, and I couldn't imagine my life without her. When I finally fell asleep, I woke up soon after, or so it felt. It was morning.

Today will be different it has to be. I will smile and it will be believable. I told myself. I will no longer be one of the sad girls who lost her sister. I will start over. Be someone new. It's the only way I'll make it through.

I was driving to school with Jake and Demi. This morning it had been even worse on Sophia. She had thrown up about 7 times. It was hard to see her like that. We all knew it was going to be the end, but we still wouldn't face the fact that we were going to lose her as well. None of us spoke. We all knew what each other were thinking. How would we be able to cope after both deaths? It was hard enough dealing with one.

Every single time I met someone, I knew they would ask me how I was. "I'm fine, thanks" I said every time, and I didn't mean it once, but no one noticed. It's funny when people ask how you are feeling they really don't want an answer. They are just being polite, but I would rather that they didn't ask me at all, when they didn't care anyway. I saw Jake. His friends were asking him how he was, and he said the same as me. I saw him fake a smile. He didn't mean it either, but again no one noticed. It's funny how you can talk to maybe 20 different people and no one are able to tell you're lying, when you say you're fine, even though you are not.

I was walking to English when I saw him. I had never seen him before, so I suppose he was new in the school. He looked someway lost, like me. But I don't think anyone saw other than me. He walked by me, I sighed, breathing in and out. I was about to cry, but I wasn't going to. I wouldn't I had promised myself not to cry today. He turned around and looked at me "You okay?" he asked. I turned around looking in to his eyes. Again. I thought to myself, I think he was the 10th person who had asked me that today. It was either that or 'how are you'. "I'm fine, thanks" I said faking a smile.

"You don't seem fine" he told me.

"I am" I tried to assure him, even though it was a lie.

"You're not, but hey its fine. You don't have to talk to me about it. I mean you don't know me"

He was the first person to see I wasn't doing okay. "I'm Gabriella" I told him.

"Troy"

"You lost?" I asked.

"Do I look lost?" he asked me.

"Kinda"

"Well I am I guess. First day in a new school and I don't know anyone"

"I can imagine"

"Can you help me find room 301" he asked me.

"Yes I'm heading there myself" I told him.

That night I watched Sophia as she was sleeping with her head in my lap. Her hair was falling off again; the chemo was taking the life out of her. She was so pale, and she had gotten so thin. She was dying. I knew it, but it wasn't really until now, I was really thinking it.

I couldn't have been more wrong. I thought I could smile and nod my way through it. That if I did everything would be better. I thought everything was going to be okay, but it's not that easy. I tried my best to pretend that everything was going to be okay, but the bad things kept coming back to me, and every time I looked at Sophia, things got worse. I had to move on. For the last month I had been like a ghost walking around, but how do you move on after your sister's death? The bad things stay with you. They follow you. I looked at Sophia. More than you expect them to. I wanted to escape from them, from all the bad things that had ever happened in my life, but no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't. All I could do was to be ready for the good. So when it came I had to invite it in, because you need it. I need it.

I went for the door as I heard it knock. "Troy" I said in almost a whisper. I didn't want to wake Sophia.

"I got the address from Caroline. You forgot your English book and I needed to make sure you were okay. I know I don't know you, but you really seemed upset" he handed me my book.

"You know for the last month, that's all everyone has wondered about me, if I'd be okay"

"What did you tell them?" he asked me.

"That I'll be fine"

"Do you ever mean it?"

"Ask me another day" I said letting out a smile, and for the first time in a month I actually meant it.


	2. The Beginning

2. The Beginning

It's funny how death changes you. I guess in some way, I became a totally different person after Maddie's death. I didn't want people to know, so I hide it, but inside I was just one big mess all the time. I knew I was suffering, but most of my family was suffering a whole lot more. I mean Sophia despite of the death of a sister, she also had cancer, and she had had since she was around 6. That means she only had 6 years to be a normal girl. 6 years not having to be afraid of anything. If you ask me that's not much. Its way too early not being able to live your life.

Demi on the other hand, I guess in some way you could say, was the one who was suffering the most of all. My parents might have lost a daughter, and was soon going to lose another one, and I had lost a sister and was soon going to say goodbye to one more and the same goes for Jake, but Demi she had lost the most.

Jake and I were barely even 1 when my parents found out Sophia had cancer. We had been told that it all started in the morning, when Sophia didn't want to come out of bed. My mom had then just thought it was a flu, but then she saw a bruise on Sophia's back. It looked like someone had hurt her, and in the beginning she thought someone did, but then she started getting nosebleeds, and looking pale all the time. So my mom knew something more serious was happening to her. They took her to the hospital and were then told she had leukemia.

This you could say is where Demi comes in to the picture. They were told that Sophia might only have a few years left, even with chemo. She needed a donor, and so she got. It had been my dad's brilliant idea as a doctor, or so he thought himself, his own personal project. Demi was born to save Sophia. Our dad had made the perfect match, and now Demi's point in life was to help Sophia, in every possible way. They had taking her blood, then more blood, then her bone marrow, then more blood, and more bone marrow. The list kept growing. I don't remember how many times they had cut Demi open, to help Sophia. Demi didn't care, because she loved Sophia, she really did. But her screams and scars from the surgeries were still haunting me. She had just been a baby when they took something from her the first time, and now it had come to the point where Sophia needed a new kidney, and again it was Demi who had to suffer. Not that I'm saying Sophia didn't, but she didn't have a choice. Demi did, but her choices had been taking away from her the day she was born.

Demi had never had a normal life. She had always been there needing to take care of Sophia. Sophia was the one feeling the pain, but Demi wasn't able to live her life. It was like she was a dog on a leach, and all she had to do was please her owner. I know when I put it that way it sounds kind of harsh, but it was the truth. She didn't have a normal life. She wasn't going to have a normal life, not until Sophia was gone. Demi was also blaming herself for Maddie's death, which were taking all life out of her. It wasn't her fault, but she wouldn't realize that. She had been the one driving, and therefore she and our dad was blaming her. I don't think she would have blamed herself if it wasn't for our dad, but he did and nothing was going to change that. He had never really loved Demi, well maybe in some weird kind of way, but to him she was pretty much just a girl who was there, and her job in life was to help Sophia, his precious little girl.

Sophia was back in the hospital. I walked in to her room as I heard their conversation.

"And what should I tell them" Demi asked. She had finally given in.

"Tell them you want to be a cheerleader, no tell them that you want to learn how to surf" Sophia told her.

"They'll never believe me, and anyway they won't let me. They want me to continue!"

"Yeah they will, because it's the truth! I won't let them continue. Tell them you're important too" Sophia told her.

"It's not going to help" Demi said.

"It will." Sophia told her, hoping that it would.

I looked down. I knew what it had come to. But both of them had been suffering for too long, it was time for it to end.

My mom walked in. "How are you feeling baby?" she asked Sophia.

"Not so good mom" Sophia said.

"You'll be okay, you just stay strong enough for surgery" she told her and kissed her forehead.

Sophia just nodded.

Our mom looked at Demi and I. "Shouldn't you to be in school?"

"Yes we were heading there now" I told our mom. "Bye Soph, we'll come back later" We went to my car and drove to school.

"They are going to kill me" Demi spoke.

"No baby. It's going to be okay" I told her.

"Bee it won't. Dad hates me already as it is, how do you think he'll react, when I take his favorite girl away from him?"

"Dem this is not your fault, none of this is. You have kept her alive for more years than anyone could have hoped for, but you can't save her from this, and you never could. She has always known that the day would come for her to say goodbye, and I don't know when it'll come, but it's going to come soon. Whether you give her a kidney or not" I told her as I looked at her, she was crying.

I took a deep breath as I entered the school. I was going to be fine. I told myself as I had done so many times before. Penelope walked over to me as she saw me enter. "Hey how are you?"

"I'm fine" I lied again, like I had done at least a million times before about this.

"No you're not" she told me.

"Then why did you ask?" I closed my locked and walked away from her, but she followed.

"Brie talk to me!"

"No! I won't. I'm tired of people asking me how I am! How do you think I am! You don't want an answer you're just being polite! You're all just being polite!" I said as I looked around at the people who were staring at me, I looked down. "I'm tired of it" As I looked up I got eye contact with Troy, but I didn't know what to say, I knew he didn't understand. I just shook my head and walked away from the crowd. I thought I was going to be alone, but it turned out someone was following me.

I walked to the auditorium not looking back until I heard the person talk.

"You come here often?" he asked me.

I turned around and looked at him "No, not really. But it's quite, it's a good place to think" I told him.

"I can imagine" he said.

"Why are you here Troy?"

"I thought you might need to talk to someone" he told me.

"So you want to know how I am?" I asked him.

"No" he said and shook his head. "Not if you don't want to tell me"

"Well there are a lot of things you don't know about me" I told him as I sat down in one of the chairs. He sat down next to me.

"You don't have to tell me"

"Sometimes it's easier"

"What do you mean?" he was confused.

"Talking to someone you don't know. It might be easier, because they don't have any feelings for you as people you do know. They are not the same caring people, and therefore it makes them easier to talk to" I told him.

"So you're going to tell me whatever it is that I don't know about you?"

I smiled at him. When I was near him, it was like I finally knew how to be myself.

"My sister died a month ago" I told him, not really knowing why, but everyone else at school knew, so why shouldn't he.

"I'm sorry. How old was she?"

"7" I told him as I looked him in the eyes.

"I'm sorry"

"Yeah so am I, that's what sucks. I can't figure out how I come to the point where I'm able to move on"

He took my hand. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but maybe you never will"

"I like the fact that you're honest with me" I told him and gave him another smile.

"What are you talking about?" He asked confused.

"Well everybody keeps telling me that everything is going to be okay, and that I'll move on eventually, but you are the first person who has told me, that maybe I won't. And in some way it felt good to hear it, 'cause right now I don't think I'll be able to move on"

"Well I'm glad to tell you the truth" he told me with a smile, and I smiled back at him. I really felt like myself with him.

"That's not all" I told him as I looked down."

"What do you mean?"

"My sister is dying, she has leukemia" I told him.

"Wow" he was shocked. "That's a lot to handle"

"Tell me about it, but it's still not all"

"What more can there be?" he asked me.

"Okay before I make it too confusing for you to follow, maybe I should start from the beginning"

He nodded as to tell me he thought it would be a good idea.

"I have a big sister. Her name is Sophia. She's 23 and she's the one with cancer. She has had it for around 17 years by now" I took a deep breath and continued. "When Sophia was 5 me and my twin Jacob was born. When she turned six, they figured out she had cancer. Me and Jacob hadn't even turned 1 yet."

He took my hand; he could see I was having a hard time telling him this. "Sophia was told she had cancer, and the doctors didn't think she'd survive with only chemo. They said she needed a donor, and so my dad made one, it was his own personal experiment. He's a doctor and so he made a donor he knew would be a match. My sister."

"How many sisters do you have?" Troy asked me.

"3, or so I had"

"I'm sorry, I didn't I.."

I cut him off "It's okay. But Demi was born to save Sophia. They took everything from her. Including her life"

"She's now 16 and her whole life, she had tried to save Sophia in every possible way. Now they want her to donate her kidney to Sophia"

Troy was shocked. "But she isn't going to, Sophia doesn't want her to. She's suffering too much, and she knows it has come to an end, but my parents don't want to lose another daughter. 9 years after Demi was born Madison was born. In some way she was the light to our family. She didn't really know what was happening, she was just always happy. Which were what we needed, but a month ago she was killed. It was a car accident, and Demi was the one driving. She had just gotten her driver's license. They were driving home from the movies, and that's when it happened. It was the other driver who passed a red light. But Demi blames herself, and won't let go of her guilt. She hasn't been driving since!"

"Wow that's a lot to handle"

"Tell me about it! I guess the hardest part is Demi. She can't let go of Sophia, she feels if she does, it's her fault that she dies"

"Rough life for a teenager" Troy said.

"Yes it is, but it's always been for her. She has never had a normal life, and she won't until she let Sophia go"

Later at home, Demi was talking to our parents.

"Forget the fact that the operation is dangerous. Or that it would hurt, or that I might just don't want to have something cut out of me" she looked me in the eyes and then at my mom. "But if I only have one kidney, what happens to me? What if I need it! And am I really never allowed to play sports or be a cheerleader" she asked.

"Or drink." I said, and my parents gave me a stern look. "It's the truth" I told them.

"Remember what the doctors said, that if I have the operation I have to be careful for the rest of my life" She had tears in her eyes.

"She's your sister! Don't you want to help her?" our dad asked.

"I don't want to do this! I don't want to be careful. I'M IMPORTANT TOO!" Demi yelled and walked out of the kitchen.

"DEMI YOU GET BACK HERE!" our dad screamed after her.

She turned around "OR WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?"

"You get her that kidney! Or are you really going to let Sophia die to!" Our dad yelled.

Demi sighed and burst out crying she knew this was going to happen.

I was tired of hearing this. So I went back to the hospital and Jake and Demi went with me.

"You told them" Sophia asked Demi, and she nodded.

"What did they say?"

"Dad asked if I was going to let you die too" Demi said and looked down.

"No!" Sophia said. "Please tell me he didn't"

"Sis you know how it is, they won't let her do it!" Jake told Sophia.

"They have to. I'm not doing this anymore. I won't take your kidney Demi"

"I know" Demi said.

"I'm sorry" Sophia said.

"Don't apology, it's not your fault" I said.

"I'm apologizing for everything Brie. I'm sorry I took the attention from you and Jake when you were the ones that needed it the most."

"There's nothing to apologize for" Jake told her.

"Yes. You needed them. You hadn't even turned 1 when they figured out I had cancer. They weren't there for you when they needed to be. You were left with other people all the time. Even though they were supposed to take care of you, and I'm sorry for that. And sissy" She looked at Demi. "I'm sorry I let them hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't take care of you. It was supposed to be the other way around." She told Demi, who was crying. "It should never have been going on for this long"

We all just sat there, not knowing what to say, until I couldn't take it anymore. I ran out, and I heard Jake following, but I didn't care. I couldn't stand being in there. It hurt too much. It was messed up, everything was just messed up. I wasn't ready to let go of another sister. I wasn't, it was hard enough losing one.

My cell phone started ringing and I picked up after the first call. It was Penelope who was calling me. "Hey Pen. What's up?" I asked trying to hide the fact that I was crying.

"How's Sophia?" she asked.

"Dying!" I said, I guess it was the first time I said it out loud, and I heard her sigh. She didn't like it when I was in this mood.

"I'm sorry Brie, I really am. I don't know what to say or do around you, but I just wanted to know that I'm here"

"Thank you" I said and hung up as I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Jake. "It's okay."

"No it's not" I told him. "None of this is okay" I cried.

"Tell me about a good day" He told me, but I just shook my head. I couldn't find anything to say.


	3. Messing With Your Heart

3. Messing With Your Mind

When you go against nature, I guess you have to pay some kind of price. Maybe that price was Madison, but then how screwed up is this world we live in. I mean how can a 7 year olds life be the price of going against nature? Maybe she was just put in to our life as a light, but now it was time to light our own path, and that's why she had to go. I didn't know, but I hated the fact that she was gone. It might have been wrong to make Demi Sophia's perfect match, but I still didn't think Maddie was the one who should pay for that. But unfortunately that was my dad's punishment, and we all just had to live with that.

I watched Demi as she was looking at Sophia who was sleeping peacefully. I wonder how life would have been if Demi had never been born. If my dad hadn't figured out how to make a match, would Sophia have died years ago? I wonder what life would have been like, then. I guess Maddie would still be alive. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm thinking that I would rather have Maddie was the one alive and Demi was the one who died in the accident. It isn't like that, but when you lose a sister and another one is dying. It makes you think in some strange ways. I mean did it really have to be either one? If Sophia hadn't been sick, Demi would never have been born. So should I be thankful that Sophia was sick and that she was suffering because it gave me Demi? Or would it just have been much easier if Sophie wasn't sick, because our lives would be less complicated? No, I didn't like the fact that Sophia was sick, but it gave me Demi, so I guess I should be thankful in some way. On the other hand maybe Maddie would still have been here, if Demi hadn't been born. I don't blame Demi I don't, because it really wasn't her fault, but I couldn't help but think that if Demi and Maddie hadn't gone to the theater at that exact moment, and hadn't been driving home at that time. Maddie would probably still be here.

I shook my head. This wasn't fair to Demi, Maddie or Sophia that I was thinking like this. I think everybody has thought about 'what could have been?' But it's not until you really let go of that thought, that you can start enjoying life. Don't weep over yesterday because it is gone, live every day to the fullest and make your future better than your past. I'm not sure if I could do that, but I promised myself to try. Today was now, and now I had to be there for the people who were here. Instead of thinking how different life could be with the people who weren't here.

Someone rang the doorbell, and I went to open it. It was Penelope. I wasn't sure if she was here for me or for one of my siblings, because she cared for Sophia and Demi too, and Sophia being sick and Maddie's death had taken hard on her too. And then there was Jake. The two of them had been together for a long time; I stopped counting years after the third. So I'm not quite sure for how long, but things have been a bit tense between them since Maddie's death.

I knew I was a mess, but in some way Jake was an even bigger mess than me. Jake had been Maddie's role model. She always looked up to him. She adored him. I think in some way she liked him more than the rest of us, and to be honest I didn't mind. Everything he did, so did she. At times they were liked glued to each other. I'm not sure how or when she became so fascinated by him, but I think it had something to do with Jake always being the one looking after her.

My parents were always looking out for Sophia, because she is everything to them. Therefore I always felt like I needed to look out for Demi. She used to be the youngest and was the loneliest of us all. So I was there for her, because she didn't felt loved, especially not from our father. When Madison was born she was put aside too, not like the rest of us though, but our parents still gave Sophia all their strength, they said she was the one needing it the most, and maybe that's true, but how do you tell that to a baby.

So since the day Madison was born. Jake was the one looking out for her. She needed someone to care for her, she needed love, and Jake was the one giving her that. Not even our babysitter would be able to come near her as a baby. It was only Jake. She loved all of us, she did. And she brought light with her wherever she would go, but still Jake was the only one who really understood her. He would be the only one to make her happy whenever she was sad. He really was her everything. Because he had been the one who had always been there for her, something that should have been our parents role, but wasn't. She had been abandoned by our parents just like the rest of us. Though I think they loved her more because she was the youngest. And therefore her death had taken really hard on Jake.

And no just to make this clear. I'm not jealous of Sophia for getting all the attention. I'm just in some way mad at our parents for not fully being there for the rest of us. And I wasn't jealous of Jake and Maddie's bond, I loved them both, well I still do, I'm just happy that Maddie had someone to look up to, because I missed that when I was younger. The two of them always made me smile. I liked being me. I wish a lot of things had been different I did, but I still wouldn't trade lives with anyone. "Hi Pen"

"Hey Brie. How's everyone?" she asked a bit afraid of my reaction.

"Well Sophia is sleeping which she pretty much does all the time these days. It's taking everything out of her. Demi is in a way even worse. She barely sleeps, and when she does she'll wake up screaming having the same nightmare over and over again, about you know… " I sighed and she nodded in understanding. She knew what the accident had done to Demi. "And Jake?" she asked.

"Well he's Jake. He's trying to be brave for the rest of us, especially Demi. But he's torn apart just as much as all of us" I told her and she hugged me. It was nice to be hugged. It felt relaxing. I really loved Penelope. We had known each other since we were babies, and even though we were different in a lot of ways, she still understood me better than any other of my friends.

I pulled back and looked in to her hazel brown eyes, which had almost turned green. They did that whenever she was sad, concerned or felt guilty, and I think she was feeling all three things right now.

Jake came down as he had heard Pen's voice. "Hi.." she said almost as a whisper to him. She didn't know what to say or how to act around us anymore. He gave her a hug and whispered something to her ear, which I couldn't hear.

I walked over to the couch. Sophia was finally awake and looked at me with questioning eyes. "What?" I asked.

"You have that look on your face" she told me with a smile.

"What look?" I was a bit confused.

"That you're hiding something"

"I don't know what you are talking about" I told her as I looked the other way, and let out a smile.

"Who is he?"

"Who is who?"

"The guy that has made you smile again" she smiled at me even wider.

"His name is Troy" I told her, and started blushing.

"So there is a guy" she was getting exited.

I looked down; I didn't know what to say.

"Remind me, that I need to thank him"

"Thank him for what?" I was confused.

"Making you smile again, it looks good on you" she told me.

I kissed her cheek. "Thanks Soph. Don't die when I'm gone." I told her as a joke, but on the other hand I was dead serious.

"I'll try not to" she told me with a smile. "Have a nice day all of you"

Jake left with Pen and Demi left with me.

"Bee I can't do it anymore!" Demi said out of nothing.

"What do you mean hun?"

"Everything! I can't take any of it. Maddie, Sophia, dad, death, pain. I can't take it anymore it's hurting" she told me almost as a scream.

I stopped the car she looked somehow scared, but also ashamed. What was she hiding? She pulled down her sleeves, covering most of her hands too, but it wasn't cold. So I knew something was wrong. I took her arm and she looked at me with tearful eyes. She shook her head.

"Baby it's okay" I told her. Not knowing what to expect. I pulled up her sleeve and saw cuts all over her lower arm. "Why? Why would you do this to yourself?" I asked as tears were forming in my eyes as well. I knew things had been hard on her, but I never expected them to be this hard.

"It hurts!" she said. "It hurts in my heart. I can't take it. I wanted that pain that aching to disappear, and so it did"

I hugged her. "But Dem this isn't right, you're hurting yourself. It hurts me to see you doing this to yourself" tears fell from my eyes.

"I'm sorry Bee. But it's hard you know."

"I know, but we're gonna be okay. We have each other. Don't let the guilt take life out of you"

"I'll try not to" she said, but I knew things wouldn't just change.

"Baby I don't want to lose you too" I said and took her hand, and new tears fell from her eyes. She looked so helpless and frustrated.

"Bee I can't do it" she spoke.

"What are you talking about?" I was confused.

"I can't let Soph go, I just can't. I'll give her that kidney!"

"Hunnie look at me" she looked me in the eyes. "I want Sophia to live just as much as you do, but this isn't fair to her. She's suffering too much, she's in pain. More pain than we can imagine. And let's say you do give her a kidney. Then maybe she'll be fine for some time, but I know the cancer will still come back, and then what was the point in giving it to her in the first place. She's going to die anyway. Her fight it over, we have to respect that. What if you need that kidney? What's going to happen to you then? I can't bear losing all three of you. I just can't" I sighed and rubbed the back of her hand with my thumb. "And I don't want you to be careful for the rest of your life and neither does Soph, it's not fair to you. You need to begin living your life"

"I can't"

"You have to. I don't want to lose Soph I don't, but we have known forever that the time would come where we had to say goodbye, and that's now. You know we can't just keeping her alive because it's what's better for us, she's human too you know, and this is what's best for her. And no matter how much it hurts knowing that I'm going to lose her, it's almost hurting me even more, knowing how much pain she's feeling" I started the engine knowing we had to get to school. "Soph is going to be okay, she just needs us to be as well. I don't know where she goes or what happens after she has gone, but I know that she's going to find Maddie, and they are gonna look down at us together. They are always going to be here even though we can't see them, you have to remember that" she nodded and looked out the window.


	4. Good and Bad

4. Good and Bad

Life goes on no matter if we want it to or not. So the smartest thing would be to get the best out of it, but it's not that easy. If you have ever been in pain or felt guilty, or been mad or sad, you will know that it's hard to move on. Like me how do I cope? I wish there was just some easy way out, like some kind of medicine that would make me feel better, but life isn't that simple.

You have to take the good with the bad; else you'll never know what life truly is, because without any bad, you wouldn't know what good is.

So it's not until you know how to embrace the bad, and learn from it that you can move on. I guess that was my answer. I just hadn't figured out what I learned from Sophia's disease or Maddie's death yet, but I was sure that when or if I did I would be ready to move on.

That night there was a party at some random persons' house. I didn't know her, but I think the whole school was invited, and some part of me said I should go, enjoy life and have a good time, but the other was asking me how I could even be thinking of having a good time when Sophia was dying?

When Jake came home with a smile on his face, I guess I got my answer. It was okay to have fun; it didn't mean we didn't love Sophia or hadn't loved Maddie.

"What made you so happy?" I asked him.

"Practice, it's been forever since I have been on the field"

"Well it's good to see you smile" I told him.

"Yeah and there was this new guy he was really great"

"Seems like you got a new friend?" I asked.

"Yeah well hopefully" he said.

"So are you and Pen going to the party tonight?"

"I don't know do you think it would be okay? Pen really wants me to go"

"If you want to then yes I think it'll be okay"

I decided to bring Demi with me I thought it would be a good idea, for us finally to have some fun, but it didn't turn out exactly as I was hoping for. Caroline had been drinking too much like always, and I needed to take her home, I mean what are friends for? Demi took her to the car as I found Jake.

"Hey babe me and Dem are leaving, Caroline has been drinking too much" I told him as I kissed his cheek. "You stay and enjoy the night"

"Gabriella" I suddenly heard someone say, and realized who Jake had been talking too.

"Oh hi Troy"

"Wait you two now each other?" Jake asked.

"Well we have some couple of classes together, and have talked a few times" I told Jake.

"I was actually hoping I would see you tonight" Troy told me. "But I get it now"

"What do you mean?" I asked I was confused.

"The two of you he said. Jake told me his girlfriend was a brunette with brown eyes" Troy said, Jake started laughing and I let out a smile.

"Troy you remember I told you I had a twin brother named Jacob?" he nodded. "Well everybody calls him Jake" I said smiling at him.

"You mean you two are…" he looked at me and then at Jake and then back at me.

"Yes Troy, Jake here is my brother. But I'm sorry I really got to go, before Caroline terrorizes my car" I ran to the car, and found a sleeping Caroline on the backseat.

"That didn't take long" I said as I buckled up and started the engine.

"What took so long?" Demi asked.

"Found Jake, he was talking to Troy. He thought we were dating, I had to explain. And well, now I'm here"

"Who's Troy?" she asked and I realized I had never told her. I told her everything about him, and it seemed like she wanted someone to talk to as well.

I sighed "I'm here you know, if you need to talk"

"Thanks, but it's not the same." She said with a soft voice.

"No it's not because we love each other and Troy and I don't" I said smiling at her, and she let out a smile. I took her hand. "You and me bud"

"You and me" she said.

"Aww isn't that sweet" Caroline said

"I thought you were asleep" I told her.

"How can I sleep when the two of you are talking so loud?"

"I'm sorry Caroline, but it's not my fault that you have been drinking so much, that you had to go home early."

When Demi and I got home, which was quite early, Sophia wasn't there and I started to panic. I was sure this was our punishment for having some fun tonight. But my mom knew what I was thinking and answered my question.

"She's back in the hospital. She can't make anything stay inside of her. She throws up no matter what she drinks or eats. So they needed to give her an IV to make her stable, else she'll die from dehydration."

"It has come to an end hasn't it?" I asked her and she nodded. Demi was shaking as tears were forming in her eyes.

"I'll give her the kidney" Demi screamed.

Our mom walked over and hugged her. "No sweetie, you won't. I don't want you to, and anyway she's not strong enough for surgery."

"She has to be, I don't want to lose her. I can't" she said sobbing in to our mom's chest.

"Demi look at me" Demi did as she was told and looked in to her eyes. "You have to let her go; we all have to let her go." She kissed Demi's forehead and hugged her tighter. "You can't save her from this honey, none of us can. It's time for her"

I walked over to them as more tears were forming in my eyes. Our mom let out a hand for me; I took it and wrapped the other one around Demi, as we all stood crying in to each other's arms. "You two don't ever leave me" she said.

"We won't" I tried to assure her.

"I love both of you don't forget that" she told us.

"We love you too" Demi and I said in unison.

I called Jake and told him to leave the party.

"Why? it's not even midnight" Jake told me.

"If you don't, I'm never going to forgive you" I told him, with a shaking voice.

"What's wrong?"

"Sophia! It's time"

"You mean she's.."

I cut him off "Yes meet us at the hospital"

If this was a dream I wanted to wake up right now, but no matter how much I wanted it to I wouldn't. This wasn't a dream, it was my personal nightmare, or maybe not personal because the nightmare was haunting the whole family. The screams of Demi from a surgery were haunting me. Maddie's death was haunting me, Sophia's sickness was haunting me, her paleness, her dizziness, her IV, her blood, her throwing up, the pain she felt. Pretty much everything was haunting me. Even Maddie's laugh was haunting me. This wasn't life, as I said this was a nightmare, and I needed to wake up now, before it hurt all of us even more.

Life is like a cup of bad things and a cup of good things, if that was true then I didn't want to be alive right now, because I just wanted all the good stuff, not the bad. I wanted happiness, love, laughter, just something good and right now there sure wasn't any in this world, so if getting the good stuff meant I had to leave this place I didn't care, I wanted the pain to disappear.


	5. The Long Goodbye

5. The Long Goodbye

Demi, Jake and I walked in to Sophia's room together. She had wanted to see us alone, without our parents. All 3 of us were crying. Me worse than the others, I just couldn't help it, my tears wouldn't stop.

"Who died?" Sophia asked with a smile, but none of us smiled back.

"Sis this isn't funny" Jake told her as he took her hand.

"Alright it's not" she said. "But at least give me a smile" she told us looking from me to Jake, but none of us could make a smile appear on our faces.

"Don't!" Demi said, and we all looked at her. " Don't pretend this is okay, it's not!" she told Sophia, while tears fell from her eyes.

Sophia sighed, she knew this was goning to be hard on Demi. Sophia reached her hand for Demi to take it, and so she did.

"Baby this is okay, it is. My time has come"

Demi shook her head, and I walked closer to Jake. I felt like I was going to fall, that's how dizzy I felt right now, so it felt good knowing that Jake would catch me if I did.

"You know what hurts the most?" Sophia asked all of us.

"No" I tried to say out loud, but it came out as a whisper.

"You" she told us. "All 3 of you"

"How?" Jake asked he was confused.

"All 3 of you know the song 'whereever you will go' by the calling right?" she asked and we all nodded.

She started singing "So lately, been wondering, who will be there to take my place when I'm gone you'll need love.." I had missed her singing and decided to sing along.

"To light the shadows on your face." I continued.

Sophia nodded. "You get what I mean?" she asked and none of us spoke.

"It hurts me not knowing how you are going to move on from this! I've seen how all of you reacted to Maddie's death, I don't want you to do the same with me. It's not the right thing to grief over my death, I won't let you"

"You just need to be there for each other. And everything will be okay."

I shook my head. "No!"

"Yes sis it will. You have to let it. It's time for you to live, be teenagers and enjoy life. I want that for you."

"How can we enjoy going from 5 to 3? That isn't right, it isn't fair!" I said in anger, but not to anyone in specific. "It shouldn't have been any of you."

"Baby life isn't fair."

"Come here" she told us and we all embraced her in a hug.

"I'm giving you that kidney" Demi spoke and looked in to her eyes. "I have to, you need it. I want you to have it."

"And I'm thankful for that hun, but I don't want you to. Time has come for you to live your life, and you can't do that if you're missing a kidney."

"But…"

"No buts" Sophia told her. "I won't let you."

"You have always been stubborn." Jake said smiling at the memories.

"See that's what I'm talking about, a smile." she smiled at Jake.

"I can't." I told her and cuddled in to her. "I can't smile for this."

She wiped away my tears. "Please sissy."

I shook my head. "I don't want you to go. It's too hard. In the blink of an eye, you're going to be gone! I don't know how I'm supposed to live with that. I don't want you to be gone forever I just don't, it's too big, it seems too far away. And I can't think like that."

"Bee you have to, it's going to happen. You know that, you all know that. You have to move on."

"She can't" Jake said. "None of us can Soph, we love you too much."

"And I love you. But I took your parents away from you a long time ago, and it's time for you to get them back."

"I don't care" Demi said. "You can keep them as long as I have you!"

"Dem.."

"You know what dad's like Soph" Jake said.

"He's gonna change."

"No he's not" Demi said.

"Yes. And if not I'm going to hunt his ass for the rest of his life" Sophia said, and Demi let out a smile. "Thanks."

"That was two, I'm doing better than I thought I would." Sophia said.

"What are you talking about?" I asked her

"You're the only one that I need to make smile. I promised myself I wouldn't leave until I saw you smile one last time"

"Great you're going to stay here forever" I told her.

"Bee."

"Soph."

And just as I had promised myself not to smile, I did. For some reason Troy had walked in to the hospital and was talking to my parents. They pointed at me through the glass and he walked in to the room. I didn't know what it was he had over me, but for some reason he could always make me smile, even when i didn't want him to.

"Hi" I said and let out a smile.

"That's it!" Sophia said and closed her eyes.

"Don't you dare leave me now!" I said in a scream and new tears fell from my eyes.

Sophia opened her eyes. "I'm not gone yet, I need to thank Troy first."

"Wait you know who I am?" he asked confused.

"Yes, you're the angel who have made my sister smile again."

"I'm not an angel." he told her.

"Yes.. Only a miracle would be able to do that, and here you are. So thank you."

Our parents went in and my mom took her hand. "I love you honey."

"I love you too mom, I love all of you," she told us and we all hugged her, besides Troy. He was standing by the door ready to leave.

"We love you" Jake said. "You're a Montez, and you're going to be okay."

"So are you." she told us.

"I love you." I whispered in to her ear. "Always and forever. Go find Maddie."

"I will." Sophia said, and closed her eyes as a tear fell from her eye. "I will."

And that was her last words. Our mom was the first one to leave, she stormed out with our dad following. Demi burst out in tears, she cried more than I could ever imagine her to. Jake was trying to calm her, even though he was a mess himself.

I was in shock and didn't really understand what was going on, so I walked out and Troy followed. "What are you doing here?" I asked him.

"Penelope told me what happened. And I wanted to see how you were doing!"

"But why? You barely even know me"

"I know but you seemed like you needed it!"

"You don't know me." I told him and walked away. "You don't. I…" and then it hit me and I fell to the floor crying. She was gone I was never going to see her again, never going to hear her voice, or laughter, never see her smile again. I was never going to do anything that included her ever again. My life was over. The minute she left so did I, and I wasn't sure I was going to come back.


	6. Changes

I don't know if my happiness had completely gone before this, but I knew it was completely gone now. There wasn't any magic left, no smiles, no laughter, no caring, it was like all the love in our family had gone with her, and we weren't able to get it back.

Everything had fallen apart. My life was over. I was here everyday, but I wasn't living, and I wouldn't. My ligt was gone and so was my heart. The world had turned upside down. We keep telling ourselves and everybody else, that it's all going to be okay, but it's not. Everyday we ignore how completely broken this world is. People say you have to take the good with the bad, but that should go the other way around as well, but it doesn't, because there wasn't, well there isn't anything good in this world only bad.

The fighting had started again, and it was louder than ever. It was tearing us all apart. Our dad wouldn't accept the fact that Demi hadn't saved Sophia, and so he blamed her in every possible way. It was like he was ripping her apart, and all the rest of us could do was see the pieces fall to the grownd. He didn't touch her, he never had, but I think sometimes she would have wanted that instead. The way he made her feel with his words, was beyond anything I could imagaine. Every night I heard her cry herself to sleep, and I knew this wasn't because of Maddie or Sophia.

Demi was stronger than me, their death affected her it did, and I think it did more than it did me, but it wasn't because of their death, but the way our dad was making her feel because of it. I think she would have been able to move on because it was what they wanted her to, but she couldn't because of our dad. And well I just couldn't, because I couldn't see the light anymore it was gone, and there was nothing to live for, but somehow Demi was ready to open another door, close this chapter and move on, but our dad was holding her back.

"STOP IT" I heard our mom scream. "STOP IT, DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO HER!"

"SHE TOOK THEM FROM US, BOTH OF THEM. IT'S ALL HER FAULT" Our dad screamed back. Demi was standing in the middle, not knowing what to do. She had stopped crying, because there was just no more tears left. She had cried all day. But her eyes were swollen, and I felt the pain she was feeling.

"IT'S NOT HER FAULT! AND YOU KNOW THAT!"

"DON'T TAKE HER SIDE VICKY. SHE IS THE REASON WE LOST OUR DAUGHTERS!"

He was making our family fall apart which were exactly what Sophia didn't want, but I couldn't handle just standing there doing nothing. So I walked to Demi and wrapped my arms around her. Looking our dad straight in the eyes "HOW MANY DAUGHTERS HAVE TO DIE, BEFORE YOU START LOVING THE ONES YOU HAVE LEFT?!"

"YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU!" HE YELLED.

"DO YOU? I'LL MAKE THIS CLEAR FOR YOU! YOU LOST 2 OF YOUR DAUGHTERS, BUT YOU STILL HAVE 2 OF US LEFT! YOU HAVEN'T LOST ALL YOUR CHILDREN. YOU STILL HAVE DEMI, JAKE AND I, SO START ACTING LIKE A DAD TO US!" I didn't know I was able to yell that hard, but it felt good to come out with some of my anger. Even though I knew it wasn't what Sophia or Maddie would have wanted, and for that I felt guilty. I didn't want to break our family, but i couldn't just stand there as he ripped out another piece of Demi.

That night I was sitting on my balcony talking, hoping that Sophia would help me and guide me.

"Soph I can't accept that I won't see any of you again. You are supposed to be behind the closed door that has your name on it. But if I go and look all I find is an empty room. It's empty just like my heart" tears were running down my cheeks, but I didn't do anything to make them dissappear. "Both of your rooms are empty, you are gone, and so is this family. It's fallen apart, and you are the only one who can put it back together. I don't know if you have heard it or maybe you just know. But father is fighting with Demi again now more than ever, and he's tearing her apart. He won't let her move on, and I don't know what is going to happen to her. She's a mess, and so am I, and I need both of you back. I don't know how to keep the family together, you have to help me or it'll fall apart! It has already started"

'How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.' This is what Frodo said, after he had destroyed the ring. He was back home, but home would never be the same. He was right, home was and would never be the same as it had been. There was wounds that time could not mend, wounds that went too deep. My wounds would not heal. I couldn't go back to my old life, things had changed too much, but I hadn't figured out what path to take to move on. So here I was stuck in life, not sure how to continue. I knew there wasn't any way back, even though I wished and begged for it everyday. The people that I loved wouldn't come back, they were gone. I needed to find the right path, that lead me to the right way. I was not going to take some kind of shortcut, because that would be too easy and life wasn't easy, and I wasn't ready to take in the pain, if I cheated life.

No, if you take the long road you're sure you have found the right way, but a shortcut might end up making you more lost than you were in the first place. But even if I had found the right way, the long way. I wasn't sure how to take the first step on it. I didn't know how to go on, where would I end?. My life had changed and there was no going back I knew that for sure, but continueing a new life was harder than what I had ever imagined.

Jake took me by the hand and looked me in the eyes as aksing if I were okay. I just shook my head and got out of his grib.

"Brie don't do this!" he told me. "Talk to me!"

"No Jake, leave me alone" I snapped. He did as I said and went to his room. I didn't want to talk I just wanted to dream far away, some place that would make all my feelings dissappear, so i didn't feel the pain that was aching in my heart.

I'd changed and I know it wasn't for the good. I was cranky, I snapped, I barely talked to anyone, well pretty much everything about me had changed. And I just couldn't help it, I wouldn't. I didn't care what I had become. My life was over, it was gone, and so was I.


	7. Memories

7. Memories

I woke up to a beautiful morning and as I entered my balcony I heard laughter. Jake and Maddie was down in the garden. He was swinging her, and I heard Maddie yell "Higher Jake, Higher"

"Maddie you are gonna fall down!" he told her.

"Will you catch me then?" she asked giving him a smile.

"Always" he told her. "I'll always be here to catch you when you fall"

"You promise?" she asked.

"Yes sweetie, I promise"

And with that my memory faded. He hadn't kept his promise. She had fallen and no one had caught her, not even Jake. I missed her laughter, I missed her smile I missed everything about her.

I walked in to my room and out in the hallway as I saw Jake running after Sophia.

"Soph give me the phone!"

"So you two are finally together?" She asked with a grin. "She's writting xoxo" Sophia laughed.

"I don't even know what that means" Jake yelled.

"No?" Sophia asked and Jake caught her and took his phone out of her hand. "Then let me tell you it means hugs and kisses" she told him and started kissing his face.

"Stop it Soph!" He said laughing.

"She looooves you" she teased. "Jake has a girlfriend"

"So what if I do?" Jake asked.

"I'm happy for you, my babybrother got a girlfriend! But you just promise me one thing!"

"What?"

"That I'll always be your favorite girl" she said smiling.

"Always" he told her.

They faded away, both of them. And there i was alone in the hallway.

I heard screams from downstairs. It was Demi.

"I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO. SHE WOULDN'T LET ME!" she screamed while tears burst out out of her eyes.

I walked down and saw blood on her sleeve.

"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LISTENED TO HER, SHE WAS SICK SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTED!" Our father screamed.

"STOP IT!" I screamed.

"Bella STAY OUT OF THIS!"

"NO. IF YOU CONTINUE THIS YOU LOSE ME TOO!"

"IT'S HER FAULT" he yelled.

"No" Demi said in a whisper to assure herself it wasn't. Tears kept running from her cheeks.

"YES DEMI IT IS! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!"

Demi ran upstairs and smacked the door. Jake ran after her.

"LISTEN TO ME! IF YOU CONTINUE THIS SOON YOU WON'T HAVE ANY DAUGHTERS LEFT!"

"NO!" Our mom screamed.

"Yes mom, I can't stand him anymore! He has no idea what it's doing to Demi!" with that I heard Jake yell from upstairs, and all three of us ran upstairs.

When my mom saw what Jake was looking at, she screamed. It wasn't just a normal scream, but a scream so loud that I was sure the neighbours could hear it. A scream like someone has pulled a knife in to her heart.

When I saw it aswell it was like my whole world stopped. Everything was going in slowmotion and I didn't realize what anyone was saying or doing. The next thing I knew is that I'm in the hospital, and my mom is walking towards me crying as she embraces me in to a hug.

"Baby don't ever leave me! Don't ever leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me" she told me as her words got more and more quiet.

"I won't! I promise. I won't!"

I knew what she was talking about. The bond that only a mother can have to her children a bond that is so strong that nothing or no one except death can break it, a bond that had just been broken for the third time.

"She'll make it. She's going to be okay" I told her and we both walked back to Demi's room. She was asleep. She had cuts on her forehead, and on her arms. The worst were on her arms there were two big wounds with a lot of stiches.

"Dem we're here. Mom and I" I told her, but I knew she probably wouldn't hear. In this moment I didn't mind that Maddie and Soph was gone, right now all my thoughts were on Demi.

I could hear our father and Jake on the other side of the door.

"DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!" I heard Jake yell.

"NO." he said. "She did this to herself" he told him, but his voice was shaking.

"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE" Jake told him.

"I didn't mean to."

Jake's voice got more quiet "Maybe not, but you did. It's time for you to let them go. They aren't hear, Demi is. And you need to start loving her"

"I do love her" he said crying.

"Do you? If that's true, you need to start showing it or else you are going to lose her completely."

Hours passed and Demi woke up just as a doctor entered, we were all there as she went in. "You in pain?" she asked Demi and she nodded.

"Then it's a good thing I brought this" she said taking out a shot "It's going to help you with the pain. Demi sat up and the doctor started by cleaning a spot on Demi's upper arm. The doctor reached for the shot, but Demi grabbed it first.

We all looked at her in shock. "It'll kill me right! If I stab this in my heart it'll kill me!"

"Demi" the doctor said.

"WON'T IT!" Demi screamed and the doctor nodded with tears in her eyes.

"Demi don't." Jake said. "Please don't, I don't want to lose another sister."

"If you do.." she said. "You can blame him." she pointed to our dad.

"I'm sorry Demi, Demi please don't do this!"

"Yeah you are sorry now! But you wouldn't be if I hadn't done this to myself!"

"Demi this is crazy. Just put it down" he told her.

"I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy" she said as she placed it closer to her heart.

"Titi" I said and she looked at me with tearful eyes. I hadn't used that nickname since she was little.

"Don't" I said in a whisper, and shook my head. "Please don't, don't leave me he alreone with him" I said pointing to Jake "I can't fight him without you. We're a team you know. Jake's too strong for me to take him alone"

"She's right" Jake told her, and wrapped his arms around me. "See it's too easy, she has lost already."

I pushed my elbow in to his stomach playfully. "I need your help to take him down, I need you to help me spy on him and Pen." I smiled at that thought we hadn't done that for a long time, but it was great memories.

Demi let out a smile. "And who am I going to beat up in FIFA when you aren't here? I need my fun sister, who actually knows how to plays."

"I hate you." I told him, though I knew he was right I sucked at video games.

"Well, it's not my fault you suck!" he told me.

Demi smiled and let out a laugh. Jake walked over to her "Now give it to me" she did as she was told and gave him the shot. Jake handed it to the doctor and Demi started crying. "It's okay baby. I love you" he told her.

I looked at our mom she was in shock she just sat there not knowing what to do.

"My baby" our father said crying as he hugged Demi. "I'm sorry"

Our mom though wouldn't move she was shaking. Looking down on the floor.

"Mommy" Demi said as a little girl. "Mommy" she said crying.

Our mom rushed to her and hugged her tightly. "My baby, my baby"

Now you would probably think things had gone back to normal. But nothing was normal. Demi was happier than she had been for a long time, she had finally forgiving our dad. Our mom was glad that the fighting was over, and to see Demi happy again. And Jake seemed like he was ready to move on as well. And then there was me. I was a mess. A big mess. I was like a living ghost. I still hadn't figured out how to live without them, I was glad that Demi was moving on and Jake also, but I couldn't, it wasn't right. I couldn't live life without them.

In school I heard the whispers. I heard what they said about Demi, but it was like Jake was always there for her, and so was Pen. Me on the other hand wasn't. I was pretty much alone. Or so I felt, even though I wasn't.

I heard footsteps behind me, but didn't want to look back. I wanted to be invisible. "Brie" it was Troy.

"I don't want to talk Troy!" I told him without looking back.

"You have to talk to me eventually" he told me.

"No that's where you're wrong I don't!"

"You have changed!"

"Can you blame me!" I was beginning to get irritated.

"No, but it's really a shame"

"Maybe, but right now I don't care."

That night as I was trying to fall asleep Jake walked in. "He's worried about you, you know!"

"He talked to you about it!" I asked.

"Yes"

"He shouldn't have!"

"He just wants what's best for you. We all do"

"Leave me alone Jake"

"There were times, where you barely even slept in your room, now you're in here all the time!"

"So what?"

"You need to stop this Bee."

"I can't it hurts too much."

"It hurts on all of us." he told me and I shook my head."Apparently not as much as it hurts me."

"I want you back sis."

"I'm still here."

"You know what I mean"

As that said I looked outside of my room and saw a 7-year old Demi running in to Sophia's arms. "I missed you buddy"

"I missed you too" Demi said sad. "I don't like when you leave"

"I'm here baby, I'm right here. I'm not leaving you" Sophia told her kissing her head.

I looked back at Jake. "She broke her promise, she told Demi she wouldn't leave and so she did. She broke the promise! She lied. She needs to come back, she has to. And so did you, you were supposed to catch Maddie always, always Jake!" and with that I just couldn't take it anymore my tears began to fall from my eyes. I trid to wipe them away but new kept falling they just wouldn't stop. "They need to stop I told him, it all need to stop!"

He hugged me "It will Bee, it will."


	8. Kisses

8. Kisses

With time everything got better. Or so everyone thought. Well with everyone else things did get better, for me not so much. I just got better at lying to everybody. I had been practicing a lot in front of the mirror. Faking smiles. Answering the right questions when people asked and I made it sound convincing. Now I didn't need to practice anymore. The lying had become part of my life. When people asked how are you? I answered with a: "I'm okay, of course I could have been better, because of what happened but I'm fine." I would tell them with a smile afterwards. And people would think that I actually was fine. But I was nowhere near fine. I was broken, alone, lonely, tired, hurt and so much more. But no one noticed. I had become a master in wearing a mask. The mask that I wore had become such a big part of me that I almost couldn't remember a time when I didn't wear it. Only when I put it down I remembered. I would become vulnerable and so I kept it up because I didn't want people to see me like that, I didn't want them to feel sorry for me. No scratch that, I didn't want them to pretend they felt sorry for me. Because let's face it, people don't really care about other people than themselves anymore.

Things will get better with time. That's what we tell each other. But let's face it things doesn't get better with time. It's just what we tell each other to make it 'til tomorrow. Because we need that hope, need to believe that someday it actually will get better. But it won't and no one can understand that. They think they can. And in the beginning they seem to care, and maybe they do. But then your story gets old news and they stop caring. Because to be honest they never really did to begin with.

Some of you might say that I'm pathetic and that I should just move on because I'm just exaggerating, but then I would like to see how you were feeling after the death of 2 of your siblings. I know Jake and Demi are moving on, and somehow my parents are too or at least they are doing better than me. But I'm not them, and we don't decide ourselves how we experience grief. Some cry, some smile, some even laugh because we can't control our emotions. Some people appreciate what they have more, and others can't find a point in living anymore, like me. People might think I'm being a spoiled teenager because I got things that some people can only dream of. I have a great life, people who loves me and food on the table everyday, which some people out in the world don't. But still I feel miserable. I don't care what people think of me. I'm sad, heartbroken, crushed, torn apart. And I have no idea how to put the pieces back together. Actually I don't think I'm supposed to fix the puzzle, because it's not possible. Some of the pieces are missing and always will be. I just need to find a way to live without some of the pieces in my life.

I put mascara on and looked myself in the mirror. Perfect I thought. No one will suspect anything. I smiled and walked downstairs. "You look happy." My mom told me. "I like that you are finally smiling again."

I smiled wider. "Thanks mom." But on the inside my smile, was an ocean of tears. I grabbed a pancake on my wait out of the door and went for the car. Demi and Jake had already left.

I was eating my pancake as I was driving. Which were probably not the smartest thing, but I was in a rush. But I should have waited with the pancake even though I was late, since that would have ended up taking less time, than what I actually spend on my way to school.

I wasn't looking, it was only for one second. But it had almost been enough. I had almost ended another person's life. But luckily I hadn't. I had hit the breaks instantly. And the car stopped right in front of the man. I cried. I cried a lot. I didn't even notice who it was, because I was burying my head in my hands. Then I heard the knock on my door and looked up.

"Can I come in?" he asked and I unlocked the door. He got in and looked at me with a worried look. "You are so not okay." he told me and I shook my head. "No I'm not." I said between tears.

"But you seemed so happy?"

"I was faking it." I told him.

"Why?"

"Because I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I don't want to be vulnerable. I want to be me, and I'm not." I looked him in the eyes. New tears kept falling.

"Come here." he said and embraced me in to a hug, which felt surprisingly soothing.

"I'm sorry Troy." I told him.

"For what?"

"Almost hitting you over."

He laughed. "I had already forgotten about that.," he told me and I smiled at him. And I meant it. I wasn't faking it. It was true.

"But I'm still sorry."

"Nothing happened. I'm fine. You however not so much."

"I don't know what to do."

"It's life. Unfortunately it has no manual. What we can do though is try to get the best out of it."

"I wish it did. Then there should be a chapter that described how you got through grief."

"I don't think you ever do." he told me.

"I guess not." I pulled back and looked at him. "We're gonna be late!" I told him

"I don't care. Right now I'm focusing on you and the way you are doing."

I smiled.

"And I'm getting you to smile, so I'm doing surprisingly good."

I smiled again. I didn't understand what it was he had over me. He always knew how to make me feel better, when I thought it was impossible.

He smiled back at me and looked me intensely in the eyes. "I don't think I ever told you have beautiful you are." he said and I blushed.

"I'm not beautiful, I'm a mess." I told him. "A big mess."

"Maybe so." he smiled again. "But you are still beautiful, no tears, or mask can change that."

I blushed again and gave him a smile. He leaned in, and a part of me was telling me not to do this. The other part though, was just craving for it to happen. And so it did. Our lips met and it felt amazing. I finally felt alive for the first time in a really long time. He kissed me with such intensity that I never wanted it to end.

He pulled back and smiled at me. "You shouldn't have done that." I told him but not because I was mad or sad. I just didn't want him to get dragged down in to my nightmare.

"I wanted to." he told me and I could see he felt somehow embarrassed. And then I couldn't stop myself. I wrapped my hands around his neck and started kissing him, which of course he responded. We kissed for 5 minutes or something like that. And all I could think of was how I never wanted it to stop. We didn't use any tongue, just our lips. Which were exactly what I wanted, I didn't want to rush things, and it felt better than ever.

I looked away from him and starred out the window. "What?" he asked. "Did I do something wrong. Do I have a bad breath?"

I took his hand and looked at him. And shook my head in no. "It was perfect." I told him and he smiled in relief. "But I don't want to drag you down in to my nightmare. I'm a mess. And I don't want you to suffer as I do. It's not fair to you. So.." he cut me off.

"I don't mind. I like you." he told me. "And I don't mind that you have baggage."

"Even though there is a lot of it?" I asked.

"Even then." he told me and I smiled at him wrapping my arms around him. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For making me feel better, and for not running away."

"It was my pleasure." he said.

"So where do we go from here?" I asked.

"School." he said smiling and I let out a laugh, which hadn't happened for a really long time.


	9. A Dark Place

9. A Dark Place

Sophia's disease had torn the family apart. Demi's purpose with life had always been to save Sophia, which in the end she couldn't. Me and Jake was just two pieces that really didn't fit in to my parent's puzzle and therefore we were left with babysitters, because how are you able to take care of twins, when you have a child with cancer? And then Maddie they tried to fit into thir puzzle, but they couldn't, maybe in some weird kind of way that's the reason she had to go.

I guess I had always resented my parents for doing what they did. Not the fact that they brought Demi to life, but that they had only seen her as a doner for Sophia, and then I resented them for forgetting the rest of us. It was true what Sophia had said, we were the ones who needed them, at the time where Sophia got cancer. But all attention for us dissapeared, because Sophia got it all.

I think this had something to do with me not being able to move on. Sophia had always been sick, I had lived with that, but I wasn't sure how to live without her. I had always been in her shadow. Shadow children you could call us, always standing in the shadow of our sick sister. So I guess now I wasn't sure how to live, when I wasn't standing in Sophia's shadow anymore. I would suddenly get more attention from our parents, which you would probably think was a good thing, but I wasn't sure how to deal with it. Now they would notice eveything, like if I came home late, or wasn't saying anything at dinner, and I wasn't sure I could handle that kind of attention.

I know I resented my parents for not giving the rest of us any attention and now I was annoyed because they gave it to me. But since I had never gotten there attention it just felt strange. It was a new weird feeling that I wansn't sure what to do with.

I also think that because of this I might have gotten some kind of post traumatic stress disorder. I think that was the reason for me acting the way I did. I had just wanted to get noticed at a younger age, but when I didn't I felt miserable. I felt like they had loved Sophia more than me, and I think in someway they did. Maybe it wasn't PTSD but something else, but no matter what I don't think I was acting normal. Of course you don't act normal when you have a sick sister, but still this was something more than that.

When I was younger I would get weird mood swings. At one point I'd be completely happy and the next I'd be all miserable. Jake was always the one taking care of me. He just thought my sadness was because of Sophia, and in one way it was, but to be honest I just wanted my parents attention, which I never seemed to get. I would be crying in the middle of the night just like Sophia, but unlike her I wasn't in any psysical pain, and therefore they would go to her room and not mine.

I'm not sure why I hadn't told anyone this, but I guess it just never crossed my mind that there would be something more to it. But now that Sophia had gone, I was just left more confused than ever, and the attention that I had never gotten, which had never been a part of my life, was now being a punch in my stomach, knowing what I had been missing for all those years. And therefore I knew there was something more wrong with me.

I didn't understand why Jake and Demi was taking everything so easily. They didn't seem upset at all which felt strange to me. Maybe they were just hiding it like me, but then how sad was that, that we were all sad and couldn't even manage to talk to each other about it. Anyway I knew I probably needed help, that what was happening to me wasn't normal, though I wasn't much of admitting it to myself. But I couldn't go around being sad forever.

Jake walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me from behind.

"What was that for?" I asked him.

"I thought you might need it, and because I think I've let you out of my life recently."

I smiled at him and gave him another hug. "Thank you that's exactly what I needed. But don't worry I don't think I've let you in to my life either. So is there anything you want to tell me?"

"Only that I miss you."

"I'm still here Jake." I gave him a confused look.

"No you're not Brie. The rest of the family might not see it, but remember I was there eveytime you got your mood swings, you would try to be the center of attention, but you never were. I saw how you would turn from being extremely happy to you being a total mess crying out that eveything was your fault. It wasn't until you let go ot the thought of that thought, that I realized how dark of a place you had been in. I miss the happy, smiling girl you were when that stopped."

I looked down and bit my lip. "I'm fine."

"No they have started again, the mood swings they have started again. I know Soph and Maddie's death have taken hard on you and you need to stop pretending that everything is okay. I don't want you to fall down in to the same whole again, but you already have, and once you hit the ground I'm afraid of what's going to happen."

"I haven't been that sad for a long time Jake." I tried to walk away but he grabbed my arm.

"I hear you at night Bree. You are not fine."

Tears began to fall from my eyes. And I thought I had been good at hiding my feelings. Me all talking about how good I was putting on a mask and here I was with my mask torn apart. I guess I was fooling everyone else, but I wasn't fooling Jake. He knew me too well, he had always been there right beside me, taking every step with me. I mean even our hearts started beating at the same time.

He wiped away my tears and looked at me.

"You are not the same anymore Brie and you haven't been for a long time. I miss your laughter. You used to be so happy."

"I'll try to do better. I promise I will." I told him even though I knew to get any better I would need help.

"I thought you might say that. So therefore I brought.."

"..Troy." I said as he entered the room.

"But why do you think he can help?"

"He already has, you just won't admit that to yourself yet."


End file.
